Tag Archives | Safety

Ungagged 33 – Dealing With Panic

Description of Show

For many, submitting is not easy. Be it from past trauma or fear instilled in you by others, it can take work and experience to get to a place to where you can submit and have as good of a time as you can alone with your hand. We talk about some triggers and strategies to move forward and have the submissive experience you know you need.

 Show Notes

  • Our Topic: Panic
    • A level of panic from a sub in a scene is natural and could even be desired to achieve the headspace you want. But, panic can also remove you from headspace as well.
    • Triggers – Learn and communicate with your Dom what triggers panicked feelings, and prepare yourself for what may be expected
    • Reality – Everyone is wanting to have a good time (in a consensual scene), so keep in the right head, try to stay calm, and communicate what you are feeling in the prearranged way
    • Solutions – If you expect to have a panicked reaction, you have three directions to work this out:
      • Choice to suppress – Trust your Dom and submit totally
      • Choice to trust – Know your partner
      • Choice to communicate – Have a clear or prearranged way to communicate a slow down or stop point mid-scene

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Mr. S Leather Co.

This episode sponsored by: Mr. S Leather. For this episode, we feature the Deluxe Tight Hood.



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Ungagged Episode 19 – A Different Kind of Sparky

About This Episode

We’re talking this week about electro play! We’re also shaking off the dust of the holidays and catching up on the news.

  • Catching up in the new year
  • What’s in the news:
  • We talk all about electro play in depth!
    • Methods of electro play
    • There are a number of different systems out there available and we discuss a few
    • Dangers and pitfalls to avoid
    • Gel and other accessories
    • Help for beginners
    • Know electricity basics!
    • Electro is individualistic – it takes time to get the right stim for each person, so do it much more than once
    • 3-2-1…Contact! Connectivity is extremely important
    • Send us your comments and letters!



This episode sponsored by: Mr. S Leather. For this episode we feature the Electrified World’s Most Comfortable Butt Plug 

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Safe, Sane and Consensual – via Watt’s The Safeword

For anyone that’s ever been to a leather bar, a sex oriented class, or on any sort of kink related dating app, I would bet you’ve heard the term: “Safe, Sane and Consensual.” While it rings clear to any kinkster what the 3 words that make up the acronym SSC mean, and makes sense ethically, what does this acronym actually stand for?

The boys over at take a deep dive into the world of sex and kink and give us not only a brief history on the acronym SSC, but also give us the pros and cons to using something like an acronym to describe something as big as kink and sex!

Go check out their video here:
Safe Sane Consensual

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Episode 35 – Listener Letter

In this episode, we had a lot going on! First and foremost, we talked about a letter that was sent in to the show from listener BearPaul. We had actually written about the letter back in a post on the blog, How to Get Over Fear, but on the show we talked about it in a bit more depth than on the blog.


  • This was Brett’s first show, but he was tied up and gagged! (Why did we stop doing that??)
  • We talked about self image, feeling safe and facing fears
  • And also, stories about our trip to the Mid-Atlantic Leather contest!

You’ve got to check out this show!

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Sad News of Another Loss

As seen on a friend’s blog, there is an announcement of another loss in the community due to self breath play.

It is extremely sad to hear of this loss, and our hearts go out to the family and friends of Pup Kai.

As a practitioner of breath play myself, at times like these I question if it is a good idea to do so. Just yesterday I engaged in a scene with a close friend where the scene ended with me putting a bag over his head then cutting off the air with a strap around the neck. I do this kind of play with this friend because we have talked through the play, what is is capable of and how far he is willing to go.

I also think of this site that I have been going to recently, called the Breath Control Network (which has been down for some reason) and can’t help but to start making some connections. There are a lot of great videos on there that I enjoy, but there are also a lot on there that I don’t enjoy because they involve death or near death experiences.

I am not into breath play because it is about death. I am into it because as you run out of air the orgasm you get is much more heightened.

But at times like this, when we have yet another life taken too soon when someone is acting out a fantasy they shouldn’t be doing alone and should know better I start to question myself.

Is posting up images and videos involving breath play, even when done reasonably and responsibly on my part, leading others to be willing to take unnecessary risks in their own play?

Should we all not consider being more forceful in our protestations to every person out there engaging in self breath play? If that helped one person would that not be worth it?

Hiding away breath play as a part of our kink world isn’t going to work. If anything, that is only going to make it worse, people are going to engage in this kind of play even if I hide my own participation in it. But I do think that perhaps we need to be more responsible about explaining how those scenes are set up safely and remind players out there they NEVER can do them alone.

Perhaps if we do that we can turn this death, and many others that have happened before, into something to learn from and stop future needless deaths.

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Safety – Research Your Top

From time to time, you will notice people will indicate in their profile something along the lines of, “I only add friends to my buddy list if I met you in person.” Now to some extent this comes from not wanting to get a bunch of people in the friends list you don’t know (excluding those that gather profile buddies to show off, of course).

But there is also another reason that many do so: we all have a common understanding that to some way or another we are “vouching” for that person in our buddy lists.

Take for example my own profile on Recon as an example (here). Nearly every one of the people on there are people that I have played with or know very well. There are a couple I may not have played with yet, but I added them because I checked their references.

Each time I am approached by someone to play, I check their friends list on whichever of the profile sites I am on. I am looking for anyone I know that I can check in with, see what they say. And everyone on my buddy list I am comfortable with giving a recommendation about me (or not, if I pissed you off, LOL).

This natural network has developed over the last few years has become a resource for players and newbies alike, and I know I am not alone in keeping the idea of a buddy list “sacred” for this very reason.

I realize there are hot guys you may want to play with that don’t have a lot of buddies. This system I describe isn’t meant to replace researching a top before you let him tie your ass up. You need to find out who you submit your freedom to.

But, it is a good start.

Ask around before you play. Check their experience, make sure if they are going to put a bag over your head they know what they are doing. Before they try to fry your ass with electro, ask others if the experience with that top is worth it.

In the long run, it makes for the best scenes, anyway.

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Another day of sad news…

Today, I came home to find some messages to letting me know about a friend who passed away yesterday. Out of respect for his partner, for his family, and for the fact that I am only just hearing about this now, I choose not identify who has passed. He was a friend from Europe that I had met and played with while I was living on the east coast, and had stayed in touch with him since.

What I just heard was that it was in fact something related to play in some way, which is very sad as well. The numbers of friends that have died in similar circumstances in the last few years is truly horrifying (see my previous post here). It is starting to become a numb feeling with each one, especially given how much I have gotten into edge play myself over the last couple of years.

Truthfully, I have to wonder how much have I contributed to that with this blog, especially with the heavy breath play videos. My openness that I do in fact play with poppers, including the kind that have been directly involved in some of these deaths, is that something I need to modify?

After coming to terms with the sadness of this friends death, it is hard not to be angry. Our of respect for this friend I won’t be angry at him, but I know my thoughts are already turning to the next person that is out there. How many warnings does it take, how many safety courses created by communities only to be under attended will there be, what will it take to get everyone to see that they need to be careful, to know how to play safely without death. When will it be clear that no orgasm is worth dying over.

And at one point do we say, you are stupid for letting this happen to you.

After one similar such death a friend approached me in the bar one night to chat about the circumstances of how our mutual friend had died. It was rumored that spray poppers were the culprit. Then this boy that I was chatting with shows me a can of the same poppers in his pocket and asked me if it was, “too soon.” Knowing that this boy doesn’t play with others (thinking there were no real kinksters in Seattle) I asked if he was using those by himself. He said that he had been.

To which I said, “We all feel bad that X has died. It is tragic that such a senseless death happened when it didn’t need to happen. So we all feel bad for X. But after knowing what happened to him, if you accidentally kill yourself by playing with that shit by yourself, no one is going to feel bad for you. We are going to think you are an idiot.”

And then, I walked off.

Each time it happens to someone else since I said that I haven’t felt they were idiots. I haven’t been angry that they were so careless.

I just feel sad.

I am left only to wonder what can be done to make this stop. To teach others to play safe so we don’t have to go through this again. I wonder if there is more that the clubs, organizations, contests, vendors or kink websites can do. I wonder if there is more that everyone can do to help our brothers in the kink world not from paying to high a price

I tell everyone I play with not to play with spray poppers of any kind on their own. I try to show those that I play with the lessons I learned over the years from others on how to play safe. I put warnings on my videos that have some. And I try to make sure that this blog is as informative as as I can make it on how to have safe play.

What I need to decide is, is it enough.

Will any of it ever be enough to make it stop so we don’t lose another?

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